Neglecting my Own Thoughts

As I posted a brief comment on a random blog I was reading about the latest Newbery book, I realized that the author could very easily trace my identity back to my own blog. So I decided to see what I last wrote about and found that it has been a very long time! Even my background is out of season. I totally missed a family wedding, Thanksgiving, another family wedding, Christmas, and New Years! Oh, and Valentines Day, too. I could have written so much on what I've thought about what I've read and how I've grown working with junior high students. Mostly I've learned a lot about myself as I've become a junior high librarian and want so much to help students develop a love of reading and thinking and living! This growth has taken me back to my days in junior high when my teachers inspired great dreams. I attended five different schools from seventh grade to ninth grade. Schools where I met new people, new teachers and had new experiences. Fortunately my parents allowed me the freedom to take in all of these new things and learn from them. I've also returned to high school memories when my life was really shaken up by changes. My life is very much what I dreamed it would be with the love of a family.

A New Bishop

It has been quite a week. Not only are we preparing for our daughter's wedding in less than two weeks, but I had parent/teacher conferences at school that included a Book Fair and kept me at school from the early hours in the morning until 8pm. After the second night of conferences my sweet husband and I were invited to visit with the stake presidency, so knowing that I would need to be dressed properly, I wore my Sunday clothes all day, not out of line for a teacher at conferences, but also as a reminder of our important interview.

The Lord blesses me with tender mercies. He prepared me well for this change. For the first time in weeks I feel calm and peaceful. I have so many concerns, but I know the Lord will lift my burdens.

Our new bishop is a man that I have known for many years as our children are about the same ages, attend the same schools, and participate in many of the same organizations. Our families have carpooled to school and symphony rehearsals for many years. He has always had a big smile and greeting for us and we have felt a great kinship in our roles as parents. Recently our stake made changes in the boundaries of the wards and this family was moved into our ward. It was a hard thing to have happen, but this family followed the will of the Lord and have been very active in their new ward. Our ward is richly blessed. His wife and I serve in the Young Women and shared a tent at Girls' camp together. I have been deeply impressed with the great love this family has for one another, especially as I witnessed them prepare and send off their first missionary son. This family is a great example to me.

Now I am glad to call him my bishop. It was a testimony easy to come by whispered by the Holy Ghost as we learned of his call. I also know that Dennis is well prepared to serve as his first counselor. We have a great work to do in our ward. I'm certain that this new bishopric is ready to take the helm and lead us.

May the Lord bless and keep our new bishopric!

Change

For some reason for the last few weeks I've been hearing a song from my youth in my head that talks about change. Can't remember the name, but I know it was often played at our church youth dances. (I finally remembered, "Freebird." )

Last Sunday while studying and checking up on my friends in facebook, I heard the whisperings of the spirit tell me that there would be changes. Yes, I knew, Emily is getting married. Suzanne will be married in the spring. Scott, Russ and Chris are graduating this year...but no the spirit meant something else. At the end of our Sacrament meeting it was announced that we would be getting a new bishopric. Tears rolled down my cheeks at the thought of not having Bishop Lesko as our bishop any more. It has been his tender leadership that has helped me learn and grow so much more closer to my Heavenly Father. I still have such a long way to go. Dennis thought I was silly. He's not moving or dying, but still, he won't be bishop. Yes, he has answered so many of my questions, but I have so many more!

So change, it's part of life, but as I get older I need so much more help to make these transitions. I am so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost and the comfort it brings and the sweet confirming testimony that the Lord is guiding these changes.

Notes from Balance Fireside

Trying to get things organized around here and found my notes from the fireside on Balance by Bishop Lesko, 14 June 2009.

Balance is finding a focus that is between being deficient and excessive.

Temporal balance is found by setting priorities, preparing, planning, helping, and simplifying.

Spiritual balance is found through worship, prayer, fasting, temple attendance, reading and pondering scriptures, learning the gospel, paying a full tithing, strengthening our testimony, and being of service.

We can't do it by ourselves! We have our Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. The atonement strengthens us when we cannot take it on all by ourselves.

Thanks, Bishop!

Finding Balance or It’s All About the Climb

Note: I've been thinking about this for awhile, so this is a long post.

One of my favorite new songs is called, “The Climb” sung by Miley Cyrus. It’s so like me:

“There’s always gonna be another mountain.
I’m always gonna want to make it move…”

Seems I’m always climbing at least one mountain. I often state that I’m going to live a long life because I have so many things left to finish.

As I recently got to a significant viewpoint on one mountain that I’ve been climbing for awhile, I realized that in order to reach that significant point, my life had gotten out of balance. Yes, I’d finally made it this far, but what other things had I neglected along the way?

At a youth fireside on Sunday our bishop talked about balance. I’m not exactly a youth anymore. A youth leader, yes, but not a youth, and yet our fireside was the topic I’d been pondering for a few weeks. Our bishop does this a lot for me.

There were a few signs of imbalance, such as my office, that Tom thought looked like someone had robbed it. The dining room table had become my temporary (or overflow) office and stuff was spilling over onto the floor. Then, when it came time to check out for the school year, I found my things to do lists longer than my days and my reports far from complete.

How did this imbalance happen? Or maybe the better question is: why did this happen?

I thought about all that I try to keep balanced:

• My “real” job as wife and mother with my teaching career
• My personal physical, mental, spiritual, and social needs
• Life with the children at home and those away from home
• Day to day life with a vision of the long run

Long ago I discovered that I could clean, do laundry, fix meals, and be otherwise domestic ‘til the cows come home and it will still need to be done again and again. While my children were little our home was the training grounds so they would learn the value of teamwork and service to one another. Now we have found that if we all pitch in and I assign and encourage these daily chores can be accomplished efficiently and very well, too, I might add. But I can’t ignore my role as wife and mother, because there are no fairies to get things done while I sleep. We even gave up on the tooth fairy long ago because she didn’t get the job done, either.

When I realized I needed a course correction, I found I wasn’t able to turn right back to my chosen path. I have to make a few over corrections to put things right. After school was out, I spent days focusing on getting the house in order and the laundry done. I also had a lot of little errands and things to get done, too. And yes, I had to do what was needed to be done to get my reports completed and check out for the school year. I still need to spend a few hours in my old schools to wrap up a few things, but I think I’m ready now.

Another opportunity helped with this process. I went on a business trip with Dennis. He was in class all day, so I had time to think and relax. I used this time to rest my body and mind and figure out how to refocus my life.

It was on this trip that I took a day to go to the temple. I’d just taken the youth to the Jordan River Temple. Now I had the opportunity to go by myself. I had family names, so participated in a number of ordinances. Just as Elder Busche shared in a BYU devotional: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAjZ8mfoYw

• Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet
• When life has challenges find ways to be of service

In that holy place of peace and quiet, where I could be of service, I found the strength from the Lord to make the changes I needed to refocus.

Was I wrong to pursue the goals that unbalanced my life? I don’t think so. I believe some times in life require us to devote our focused efforts. For example: when attending college, many other pursuits are put on hold. Couples also find that it is important to have an intense focus when preparing for marriage. I have found that when a new baby joins a family there is a long period of extreme focus, especially for the new mother. As parents we focus when helping our children to prepare for college, a mission, or marriage. As a wife I found that I had to have an intense focus to support my husband in college, grad school, and then again when he made job changes. Some parts of life are just less balanced than others.

In order to live a happier, more healthful life I needed to spend a lot of time each day working out and caring for my physical needs. Now that I have taken the time and focus to make these changes, my daily efforts can be brought into balance with my other needs.

Now that I have earned my library media endorsement and have been hired as a library media instructional technology specialist, I can limit my teaching career to my contract days and use my time off for family and other pursuits. I know that I will find success as a LMITS. Because I am rather new to the teaching profession I had to work a little harder to be a candidate for the position, but now my teaching career is secure and I will be able to continue in this position until I retire. I’m particularly looking forward to working with the students and faculty on a daily basis. Sometimes the balance is off kilter while we climb to reach the higher goal.

Climbing is about being firmly tethered and secure in the faith of our Lord, Jesus Christ. His guidance helps us make the climb and assures we are on the right path. Sometimes these paths are challenging, but with God, nothing is impossible. Sometimes these paths are steep and difficult, so we must have intense focus, yet ultimately, as long as I follow the Lord, I climb the right mountains.

Since He can’t always be with us, He has sent us family and friends to help along the way. I know that without my family and friends I wouldn’t have made it to such a wonderful place on my mountain. Who would really want to make the climb without them?

Why yes, I am Beautiful!

A few days ago we were doing an exercise called enthusiasm sparring in class. This particular time we were to say good things about ourselves as we sparred. My partner found it quite easy to say that she was a good instructor, a good mother, and good friend, all of which I heartily agree, but then she said, "And I'm fairly good looking considering my age." Why couldn't she just say, "I'm beautiful!" She is a very beautiful woman with gorgeous eyes and a wonderful smile. In fact, I have noticed that very few women can say out loud that they are beautiful, although men seem to be able to say they are good looking rather easily. Then my turns came and went and I found that I just couldn't say it out loud either. Why not? Who, what or why can't we just say, "Hey, I'm beautiful!" or "I'm very good looking!" I think I once said that I like my red hair. Hmmm, just not the same.

This wasn't helped by the other experiences of the last few days. I've been watching videos of myself teaching. Most of the time I've been able to focus on the great parts of my teaching. I'm enthusiastic. We have a lot of fun. I laugh often. I listen well. I explain things well. My students are engaged in learning. But who I see in the video is not who I know from the inside.

Every once in a while one of my students, quite often a girl, will comment on how awful they look on video. I'm quick to let them know that it is important for them to love who they are. I remind the teachers that I teach how important it is to be confident in front of a camera because the students will follow their example. I have so many hours of myself on video that it doesn't make me nervous as it once did to have the camera turned my way. In fact, sometimes it's quite fun! I loved watching my interaction with the students. I remembered those days--I was so excited afterwards that it took a lot of time to settle down and do something else. I love my students!

So why is it that I can't with confidence yell, "I'm beautiful!"? My husband tells me that I am. My friends tell me that I am. I'm a daughter of God and I know that He knows that I'm beautiful. I feel beautiful inside. So next time that I am enthusiasm sparring I'm going to say it. "I am beautiful. I AM beautiful. I am BEAUTIFUL!"

Dreaming Big, Step by Step

"Whatever you are, be a good one." --Abraham Lincoln.

Over the last few months I've been working towards some professional development goals that I chose to help me develop my teaching career. Since I sort of stumbled into this career, it has taken me a little while to find a good fit. I thought I'd finally found that as an elementary school technology specialist aka STS, especially when our school assignments were reduced to two, but budget cuts are likely to change things a bit. It is very unlikely that I'll be doing what I do now next year. Although I'm very blessed to know that I'll have a job, despite a few cuts in pay, I still feel like a worker on notice for a layoff. Since the first day that I heard, I've had a pit in my stomach.

Last year I discovered that the STS position fits most closely with the Library Media Specialist position of the National Board for Professional Teaching Standards. Library Media Specialists are the teacher the other teachers go to for resources and guidance with all things media, including information literacy and technology literacy. For the most part, that's what I do, so I began my portfolio knowing that it was a three year process. I came very close to passing my first year, but fortunately had already begun to prepare my retake portfolio by the time I had received my scores at the end of November. The process is a great deal of self reflection and I find that quite difficult. I know that I am an excellent teacher and now intend to demonstrate that in my portfolio. I have all of the pieces and have until April 15th to send them off.

In my discovery of the alignment of STSs with Library Media, I took the opportunity to begin the Library Media Endorsement program offered by Granite School District. One requirement is a course in adolescent literature. It was a blast, but renewed my habit of reading that I've had to quelch to get other things done. Sharing what I've been reading has opened up a whole new way to relate to my students, too. We have such fun discussing the books that we've read!

This also opened up new opportunities for new positions called Library Media Instructional Technology Specialists aka LMITS. These are secondary teachers who are the school librarians and STSs. What a perfect combination for me! As I investigated I found that this might just be the career position from which I would retire. So, I applied for six openings that were available last summer, but wasn't appointed to any of them. This was a great disappointment. The interview process is tough. I felt like I'd been through six world class fights by the end of the summer. Now I knew that I loved my job as an elementary school technology specialist, but it was difficult being rejected. I hadn't really thought too much about the LMITS position until the first one opened up, then I could see myself as an LMITS. I knew that I'd be great--I just needed the chance.

Looking back, I'm sure the Lord was looking over me because I really needed one more year to prepare to become an LMITS. First, I needed to complete my endorsement. Perhaps that would have been possible as an LMITS, but I'm not sure I would have had the time or energy to learn both a new job and complete the endorsement requirements. I do think it would have made taking the Praxis exam a little easier--the library stuff would have been learned on the job, not through rote study.

I also needed to become more fit--especially physically and mentally. In October when Tom and I started at Martial Arts World I was quite happy with myself and the way things were. I had found that liking myself the way that I was was much easier than attempting to change. Besides, I figured that I wasn't all that bad and many parts of me were quite excellent. Then I learned that I did have the power within to change. I gained control of my physical body and started to make it better. I started exercising every day and making sure to eat well, too. It was amazing what power this gave me. I could accomplish so much more and feel so much better. I got a little angry at myself for ever allowing myself to get so out of shape. I have too much life to live to be sidelined by my physical body. I know I have a long life to live and need to have my health to live it well.

I found the power within to fight off my worst enemy, too. This became very evident when I went to take the Praxis exam. Test taking skills have always been one of my strong points. As a teacher I've had to take many including all of those for my college courses, my Masters degree and the state required Praxis exams. Yes, I had taken three Praxis exams before and even aced one of them and received high honors on another, but this was the Library Media Praxis exam and it was the toughest exam I have ever faced. I'd had some self doubt the week before and found that self defense worked quite well to fight down my worst enemy. Then half way through the exam my worst enemy attempted her biggest attack ever. My head started to spin and all I could think was "What am I doing here? Who do I think I am trying to take this test? I can't pass this test--I don't know any of this?" Then, having made preparations in advance I grabbed on to my new yellow belt (discreetly worn under my sweater), closed my eyes and told myself, "Yes, you DO know this stuff! You have studied hard! You will be an awesome Library Media Instructional Technology Specialist! You are smart! You love to teach! You love your students!" and with the power from my best friend, my worst enemy was once again defeated. I got back to the test and passed it! By the time the score report came out four weeks later I had almost finished my practicum. In a letter dated April 1st from the Utah State Office of Education I was informed that I had been approved for an addition of Library/Media to my teaching credential. Yahoo! One professional development goal in the bag!

Now to focus on the second and most important, my National Board credentials. Over the next few days I will finish the required portfolio entries and send them off and then wait. I'll be waiting until the end of next November.

But I've recently learned that even after all I can do, I don't have all of the inner power required to be all I need to be. That strength comes from the Lord. It is with humility that I've found that I need His help to be strong. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me and I love Him, too. It is knowing this that helps me to find the strength to be who He wants me to be. So if that is to be an LMITS or a classroom teacher, I know that I need to prepare and be the best that I can be!